Nonchalance

me: Eh, you're pretty cute... I'd hit it.
him: What? That's not how it works, I'd be the one hitting it.
me: Ok, well, I might let you hit it.
him: No, uh, I'd let you get it hit by me.

Less of a Bad Thing

Months ago I compiled a top 10 list of things not to tell anyone you've just met.

Over the past week in Turkey I met lots of people I didn't know. Let's see how I did:

1. Anything involving Old English, Middle English or the recitation of texts in either language.
2. The sentence "I am in a circus."
3. The word "exsanguinate."
4. My first high school "boyfriend" impregnated a midget.
5. I have an oral fixation.
6. And no gag reflex.
7. I received a Colt semi automatic for my 18th birthday.
8. I worked at Rick's Cabaret for three months.
9. My rock show go-go dancing debut was at a Lords of Acid show at a slightly underage 17 years old. The encore was "Spank My Booty." Guess what happened.
10. I participated in the barrel racing event at the rodeo.

At first glance, this would seem to be quite a success. In reality, however, it turns out my original list was missing a few items including:

• I eat fire.
• I can pole dance. ( And have done so recently. In public.)
• I am proficient in several styles of Middle Eastern dance.
• Unsolicited tirades detailing the inferiority of states that were never independent republics.

Honestly though, I still can't quite figure out how I manage to start speaking Middle English and people continue standing there listening to it. Enablers! All of you!

Beauty propaganda

Ok, so I'm dying my hair, and after a long hiatus from conventional, drug store dye (meaning natural colors that are trying NOT to fry your hair) I was totally amused at Natural Instincts' new product copy.

The first step of hair dying is mixing the pigment with the activator. In this case, however, the activator is labeled "gentle activating creme." That makes pretty decent sense. It is, in fact, activating, although the non-Anglo-Saxon spelling of "creme" is a bit silly. On the other hand, I am very enthusiastic about it's purported "gentleness" which is totally why I bought Herbal Essences in the first place. Because if you can't trust a brand that asserts it's wholesomeness while not actually being organic, well, who can you trust? For serious.

So I can see what the somewhat superfluous words gentle and creme are trying to get me to think: that this slimy, strong-smelling concoction is actually going to be good for my hair. Punk rock. Actually, wait. Scratch that. Punk rock would be that time I slathered my hair in magenta Special Effects, wrapped my head in a dry cleaning bag, and slept on it.

The pigment ingredient, on the other hand, is definitely pushing the boundaries of redundancy with the extraneous wordage. It is renamed "color-enhancing colorant." Now, correct me if I am wrong, but the colorant IS supposed to be COLORING my hair, right? Am I really supposed to be impressed that the colorant is doing some coloring? And what is this "enhancing" business about? I don't want my hair enhanced, I want its genetically-determined color to be permanently burned away by nature's finest chemicals as if I am some all-powerful hair color goddess exacting my sweet revenge on melanin. Or at least like the chicks in "the Craft." Come on.

Ok, so maybe if you've never dyed your hair before you might fall for this, but keep in mind that you always get a small 2oz tube of conditioner with your dye. This coloring kit it trying to convince me that I am getting "a once a week" month supply of conditioner with my box of dye. Well, guess what, Herbal Essences, I might be an art major, but I still can fucking read and this "once a week Color Treat" is still 2 fucking ounces. Nice try. And no, it's not a TREAT. It's conditioner. And for your information, I'm going to completely saturate every ammonia-licious strand of my hair with the WHOLE THING of "color conditioning treatment" like I always do. How about that!

And what is with throwing in the word color one last time? Which words are even modifying it? The conditioning treatment isn't coloring my hair, I just did that. It's not conditioning or toning the color itself either, because I happen to know it's just a treat-- I mean, just conditioner.

I think what this all means is that I'm going to have to put some Manic Panic Nightshade streaks in to cancel out the hippiness.

You can take the girl out of the goth scene, but you can't take the goth out of the girl...

Ten Things NOT to Tell Someone You Just Met

But sometimes manage to come up anyway. Which is probably more reason for concern than the topics themselves

1. Anything involving Old English, Middle English or the recitation of texts in either language.

2. The sentence "I am in a circus."

3. The word "exsanguinate."

4. My first high school "boyfriend" impregnated a midget.

5. I have an oral fixation.

6. And no gag reflex.

7. I received a Colt semi automatic for my 18th birthday.

8. I worked at Rick's Cabaret for three months.

9. My rock show go-go dancing debut was at a Lords of Acid show at a slightly underage 17 years old. The encore was "Spank My Booty." Guess what happened.

10. I participated in the barrel racing event at the rodeo.

Being sick makes you soooo pretty. Let me explain it to you.

So, as stated previously, if you would like to lose...say... 6+ pounds in less than 36 hours drink cough syrup. Its cloying noxiousness will deactivate your tongue and coat your stomach in a delightful slime. Not only will you not feel like eating anything, but if you try it will taste completely terrible.

Second awesome benefit: coughing incessantly is the equivalent of doing eleventy jillion crunches in a day. I counted. In a scientific manner.

Because I was a design student I know all about sleep deprivation in all its torturous degrees. While it is true that habitual sleep deprivation will slow down your metabolism, I have discovered that a 2-3 day bender every once in a while will actually cause you to lose weight. Why waste half your day sleeping, when you could be awake burning twice as many calories! Awake hacking your lungs out! Diesel!

Getting back to the not eating, since all you will be consuming is tea and gallons of water to get that fucking Robitussin taste out of your mouth, now is a great time for detoxing. All that water-weight you've been waddling around with will fly off as you cleanse your body with yummy green tea antioxidants. Nevermind that at the same time a putrid infection is festering in your sinus cavity and creeping toward your lungs. Liquid diet! Whee!


But Leesie, how are you going to look pretty with those bags under your eyes!
Try to sleep with your head elevated and lay on your back. Don't worry if you usually sleep on your side or stomach. As your will to live seeps out your nose, so will your desire to roll over.
Also, dab white, shimmery shadow on the inside corners of your eyes and curl your lashes. It will make you look more awake. If you think that sounds like bullshit, you obviously have never wielded a lash curler.

Ok, but blowing your nose every 45 seconds has got to make your nose red.
True, all that abrading is bad for sensitive skin. Use a moisturizer that is made for calming irritated skin like eucerin, aveeno, or just plain neosporin. Put concealer on the corners of your nostrils. This is a good trick in general because it makes your nose look narrower.

Dude, but you're so pale!
I'm not pale, I'm fair. It's aristocratic.

Ok, but seriously, how is being unhealthy going to make you pretty? Isn't that the opposite of pretty?
Beauty is suffering. I learned it in school. I have a degree in this shit.