Friday, December 26, 2008

Presents!

This is the loot, in summary:


A hula hoop! Super fun. I'm better already after a few days, but the real shocker is that my mom is the hooping queen. She talked a big game about being the champion back in the day, but when I challenged her to a Xmas day hoop-off she started to back down. So, of course, I goaded her into to doing it. AND SHE ROCKED.

Dog Monopoly. I got it. You want it. To get you ASS KICKED, that is. Bring it.



Shifty hoodoo books. Something was telling me I needed to dip my toe into the dark side of the pool. Heartwarming family fun.





Crazy shoes. As usual, my parents we shocked, but not surprised. Mine is the leather one on the left.


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

45% Serious

I went out dancing the week before last with my right hand gal, and ever-indulgent witness to my kooky antics, Meg. It left me with some food for thought, but here are the glib parts first.

I witnessed the most awesome/awful dance off between a group of white guys of varied degrees of inebriation versus one talented black guy.

Meg: He smells like laundry.
Me: Yeah, spicy laundry.

Some guy elected to type, then show me a text, rather than talk over the cacophony. The message read, "I've seen you turn down every guy in here, but I have to ask, will you marry me? I am 45% serious."

Which leads me to my deep thought for the week: I seriously enjoy being an ice princess. I guess I'm going back to my roots, but is it nostalgia? Maliciousness? Simplicity?

Let me explain the process. I go out, dance like a maniac (usually in some gothette ensemble), and flat out refuse to entertain any sort of conversation or interaction with any boys I don't know or are not friends of people that I know. This has always been the way I do things. Maybe it's because deep down I'm shy, maybe it's because I'd really rather be dancing, maybe it's because I know guys in bars are only trying to get in my pants and are not worth talking to, maybe it's that I worry that if I flirt back things will end up in a back seat.
Perhaps a discussion for another time.

The reason I keep doing it is pretty simple, however. I, like anyone, relish a compliment. It's nice to know I'm cute, or interesting, stand out, or dance well. Mae West said it best when she quipped, "It's better to be looked over than overlooked." So no posturing there, I admit it. The difference between thwarting advances with a ruthless stonewall and the more expected polite flirting is that I'm content with just knowing. I don't need the free drink. I don't need the canned compliments. I don't need the ll-advised hookup. No, I'm content to reel them in and throw them back. I get to be, in equal measure, a bitch and a honest, no-head games girl. Instant gratification, no mess. More importantly, no room for those awkward mixed signals.

The reason that this process is even worth mentioning is that I've made a few notable exceptions to the policy, particularly recently (although no strangers and not in bars, god forbid). On the one hand, I guess I've felt that refusing to talk to people is kind of eccentric and not very polite or grown-up or whatever you want to call it. I guess the other part is the curiosity factor. Oh, and the selfish factor. If I can happen upon an especially smitten suitor that seems easy enough to deal with, (read: throw back later at my discretion) why not enjoy the distraction? Casual dating the ultimate procrastination. Besides, everybody is doing it! What I've learned is that it is very, very entertaining. I like going on proper dates and being spoiled. I like having someone wondering what my next move is without ever fretting over theirs.

One the other hand, I am, deep down, a goody-goody. I don't mind being cruel, but I don't like being deceitful. And the other thing I've learned is that there is no way to be aloof without it being interpreted and being hard-to-get. So, while I'm loathe to lead anyone on, the leading may be all according to the one doing the following. Follow? Also, I am quite a snob when it comes to my reputation. Sure, I dress like a vampire hooker, dance like sex in heels, have some over-the-top hobbies, but all that luridness is cancelled out by the fact that I am thoroughly abstemious when it comes to sex and drugs...a little rock and roll never hurt anyone. This snotty reason for being that way doesn't particularly help tilt the moral scale in its favor, but, hey it's part of it too.

So, hmmm, where was I going with this? I guess the moral of the story is that I prefer --as I ought to-- the blunt, perhaps unwarranted, rejection to the drawn-out seduction and fizzle. And despite the reasons for me feeling that way include being conceited, an elitist, and rude, it is preferable to the alternative which I fear is bringing out my worst predatory instincts. (Let's not get into those.) Right? Right!

I feel like I've written myself quite a pep talk to get back on the righteous path of holding out for the OTL except, of course, I'm rather in the middle of quite the epic pursuit.
Circuity is my new strong suit these days.
Maybe I can be 45% serious.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Red Recommends: Sextrology

Book review time!! As resident astrology expert I could could probably write my own book, so I feel pretty qualified to recommend Sextrology.


I bought it last night as an early Yule present to myself and so far I'm pretty impressed. I'd flipped through it before at Meg's house, and wasn't smitten, but after giving several signs a hard, critical read I can vouch for its accuracy.

To give you an idea of the structure and content, Sextrology is divided by sign and gender. Each section (Aries male, for example) gets an intro, Sign and Mind, Body and Soul, Sex and Sexuality, and a handy Couplings table that describes each possible paring between the signs, gay and straight.

What really prompted me to publicly sing the praises of the book is that it is one of the few books to tell me something new. Most astrology books tend to reiterate the same stereotypes to the point of caricatures. Save yourself the trouble and read Linda Goodman's Sun Signs, my astrology bible (she's an Aries!). Sextrology, surprisingly enough, features really deep psychological analysis and only gets to the eponymous carnal advice at the end of each section. Best of the best is the deliciously fascinating sidebars detailing the symbolism of the planetary glyph, sign glyph, mythical archetype, and Biblical symbolism.

As for the first two, I admit I am a bit of an arcane symbol addict. Alchemy, Kabbalic sigils, runes, ancient alphabets, you name it, I know the precise rhyme and reason for each stroke and swirl. So, these sections may play to my personal predilection exclusively. Nevertheless, it's worth praising, AND the descriptions are different of each sign's gender. Bonus points.

The mythical archetypes are, in a word, exquisite. The author has gone above and beyond the traditional planetary rulers and fleshed out rich deities for both genders. What I mean by this is, for example, Aries is ruled by Mars. Mars is the god of war and if you know me, you might see where a chit chat about warlike, competitive, impatient impulses is going. Mars is, however, ultimately a dude, and the utility of him to describe the female iteration of those qualities is finite. To solve the dilemma, authors Starsky and Cox introduce secondary and companion gods and goddesses to paint the full picture. In the case of Aries, it is Pallas Athena. Let me say this, I read a LOT of scholarship on classical mythology. We're talking secondary and primary sources. Hell, I've produced scholarship on classical mythology. Moreover, I actively worship said deities. To say that I am familiar with our dear Goddess of the Art of War is a sure thing. When I assert that this book came up with twists on Athena that were novel and creative (and accurate) to me is totally amazing. I am utterly impressed. (Even the distinction between God of War versus God of the Art of War is fascinating!)

You might be surprised that I was interested or impressed with the Biblical associations, but to be fair, I lucked out and Aries Woman got Lilith. Nevertheless, the reasoning behind the correlation was clear, historical, and revealing. Love it. (Taurus gals get Eve)

Another detail I love which is kind of incidental is the titles for each chapter, but I'm a word nerd, and that's just how it goes. Each gendered pair gets a pretty lovely set of his and hers nouns like the Natural and the Knockout for Leo or the Player and the Pearl for Cancer. (I'm the Original. lol)

The text is also acerbically straight-froward, which, to me, is a good thing. But I am an Aries and tend to construe things like, "She is selfish in the extreme... typically lacks compassion to some degree" as compliments anyway.

The most glaring inconsistencies I found tended to deal with the sex profiles themselves. A few signs tend to get the "one-note" treatment, but I think if you pay extra attention to the cited exceptions and treat them as common traits you'll get a better picture. (It's a good rule of thumb to know that agressive sorts often play against type in the bedroom, Aries included.) The keywords in the "turn ons" sidebars are a little random as well. I think mine left out a few significant ones (blood play? or is that just me?) and had a few outstanding ringers (lumberjacks? seriously?).

The arm-chair Oedipal psychoanalysis was a little iffy to me too, but I happen to have pretty awesome parents, so maybe I'm the anomaly on that front.

Overall, I give it 4 1/2 witchy stars. The half star off is for the occasionally patchy sex advice which is purportedly the purpose of the book. However, the book offers much, much more than said sordid divination, which is a pleasant and long-overdue surprise.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dating Advice

Mom: So I was reading your blog...who's the guy from Columbia?
Me: Oh, he was just some guy I met at a holiday party for five minutes. He's getting a Masters in Economics at SMU.
Mom: *gasps in delight*
Me: He's 23.
Mom: So? Economics, you say?
Me: You have a crush on him, then.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Re: Daily Tarot

Trouble. Not my fault if it wasn't my idea, right?

He is, by the way, the dumbest boy in America. Or, more accurately, the most Aquarian Aquarius ever. It wasn't that bad, but it did spark a tiff with the giffer.

quick recap-
Aquarius: Man, I'm ready to leave but [whatsherface] won't stop dancing on the stage. Help me out.
Me: Wtf? I'm a dancer, I'm not going to tell anyone to STOP dancing.
Aquarius: No, you can help me! Start dancing with me and she'll be down here in 10 seconds. Watch!
Me: [thinks: this is either the screwiest relationship I have ever observed or the lamest attempt to dance with me ever conceived] Ok, sure.

The dancing was perfectly chaste, I assure you.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

You mean people younger than me have feelings?

M: That sucks that the guy from Columbia is only 23.
Me: I was hoping he was kidding, but he wasn't.
M: I could tell you kinda liked him.
Me: Yeah, now I just want to gnaw on his soul.
M: Uh....

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Daily Tarot

the Devil
The Devil represent wild behavior and reckless abandon. This is a card synonymous with temptation and addiction. At its worst this card embodies evil, but at its best represents ambition, impulsiveness, and pure devotion. You should be acutely aware of the destructive influences in your life and gather the strength to overcome them.


Oh, Facebook Tarot, you naive thing, you. You know perfectly well these kinds of admonitions have the exact opposite effect. This is the best I can promise you: I'm biding my time with the latest "project"; perhaps something more wholesome will come along before I get us into too much trouble. 'K?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Logo Design

I cranked out four new Lone Star Assassins logos in time for my meeting this evening. I should be this productive more often, although the bout of creativity was preceded by several consecutive days of voracious eating and excessive sleeping so perhaps this is a lifestyle change I should reconsider...






Wednesday, November 12, 2008

What Would Scarlett Do?

In the Twelve Oaks barbecue of my life, enter Charles Hamilton stage left.
Gawd, where are some Tarleton twins when you need them? (I'll worry about a Rhett later.)
Le sigh.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Halloween.


If you recognize who I am you're a dork, but I love you.
If not, you missed one hell of a fake Russian accent.






Monday, October 27, 2008

Voodoo Fest!!

Here's a really quick rundown of the memorable moments:

Friday morning I wandered around the French Quarter and talked shop and snakes with a druid/voodoo priest (odd combo, I know). I almost bought a monkey skull with jeweled eyes and a feather headdress for $40 until the owner showed up and told the ditzy sales girl it was really $200. Curses!

Bands of note on Friday:
Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Surprisingly great live. I caught them waiting for Rev Horton Heat. The obvious comparison is to Jenny Lewis-- Grace is all bangs and legs. She, can however, really wail. They have enough blues cred when they really get going that a finale of "Paint it Black" was pretty twilight-dancing-and-twirling-voodoo good. And I would know. I bought a CD and much to my disappointment, but not too much to my surprise, it was rather studio slick and squeaky clean. Meh.
Reverend Horton Heat. The mike volume was a bit off which sucked. I spotted either Robert Rodriguez or a Robert Rodriguez look alike hanging out offstage. *crush!*
Devotchka. I love Devotchka, but this was not the venue for them. They were much better at Speigeltent with the old world circus vibe and their aerialist. They almost lost the crowd with some of their slower songs, but finished strong with "Enemy Guns" and "Such a Lovely Thing." I did some serious dancing.

Saturday, Zoe Jakes told me I had cute boots at brunch. I couldn't think of anything more clever to say than, "You're Zoe Jakes!" so I just said thanks and moved on.

Thievery Corporation. Fun! They drew a surprisingly large, spunky crowd. Let me tell you this: me dancing on my own is hot and cool. Judith hooping on her own is hot and cool. But together, we are the cutest fucking circus you ever wanted to run away with. We need to put some kind of performance together ASAP.
Mars Volta. I have no idea. I spent their set sneaking through the crowd to get in perfect position for NIN. I got impatient with their encores and afros.
NIN. It's true, Being crushed by a surge of thousands is the ONLY way to listen to "March of Pigs." Honestly, though, there wasn't much moshing and that was a bummer. I was totally prepared to crawl out of there with a black eye or busted lip. It was mostly a tide of shoving to the front with some thrashing around to "Closer" and songs from "Broken." I did my part to throw some 'bows and stomp on some toes. Trent looks pretty great. Not pre-2000-too-beautiful-to-be-comprehended, but good. Robin Finck was, in a word, adorable. As always. He even played ukulele on "Piggy" which was superb. I think I called over a dozen people "bitches" in response to announcements like "Ow, someones elbowing me!" or "Jeez, quit shoving!" My black heart was warmed each time an emo girl fainted and had to be pulled out by security. My screaming remains frighteningly loud.

And for your reading pleasure: Pick up lines!
  • "Hey, do you go to LSU?" FAIL. No, I don't.
  • After creepily lurking, "Hey, uh, my name is Dan. Uh, I just wanted you to know that." FAIL.
  • "What band is this?" FAIL. If I'm rocking out to a band, I'm going to think you're a douche for not knowing them. I'm also going to think you can't fucking READ.
  • "Um, excuse me, would you mind holding my drink for a minute?" FAIL.
  • Knowing all the words to every NIN song. WIN! What it gets you: 1) the opportunity to 'dance' behind me, if by dance you mean, I'm thrashing around and you're trying to keep a rhythm that avoids getting reverse head-butted by me. 2)You get to gingerly rest your hand on my hip for 45 min. 3) At the end of the show, after planning it out in you head for 20 min, you get to lean over to chastely kiss me on the cheek at the exact moment Robin Finck takes his bow and I start jumping and screaming "ROB-IN! Wooooooooo!" Later, sucker!!!! ........ Aw, little NIN boy with glasses, maybe if you weren't 21 at the oldest you could've been my NIN soulmate, but dis can nevr be.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Horoscope

Aries
Your Horoscope for 10/4/08

You're feeling a bit restless and need to try something new. It's a good time to hit the road and explore your community or sign up for some activity that is a bit offbeat.



I love when you suggest activities I was planning on doing anyway, Facebook horoscope. We both win.
I'm zipping down to Austin tonight to see a show since, in my impulsive mind, three hours is not far to go and back on Saturday night. I think that covers "hitting the road."

Friday, September 26, 2008

Just Saying...

Here's a brief respite from the hissy fit over Sarah Palin. Let's talk about democratic vice presidential nominee Joe Biden.

In his interview with Katie Couric this week Biden announced, "When the stock market crashed, Franklin Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the princes of greed," Biden told Couric. "He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'"

Um... what? No, really, WHAT?

A) Roosevelt was not the President in 1929 (it was Hoover).
B) There were no.. how you say...magic talking boxes with the pictures in 1929.

Where are the viral videos spoofing this? This is actually hilarious. I could write about 10 different sketches right now with Biden making all kind of anachronistic gaffs. Lincoln announcing we will send a man to the moon. Washington crossing the Delaware in a submarine...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Derby

So, I'm still waiting for my final assesment and team placement before I get to declare my name, but in the meantime here are some ideas. Help, y'all?


Harlot Bronte
Molester Prynne
Iris Car Bomb
Scarlet Reaver
Red Velvet Ache
Dixie Witch

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Old.

Me: Daddy, have you ever been to St. Louis?
Dad: Yeah, one time. We just drove through, though.
Me. Oh. Well, did you see the arch?
Dad: It wasn't around yet.
Me: What! Who were you there with? Lewis and Clark?!?
Mom: And that Indian girl. Sacajawhatshername.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Best Summer Soundtrack EVER

As a timely followup to my previous rant here is, in no particular order, the best summer songs from the sixties! Try not to burn your hands on the steering wheel on your way to the snowcone stand and crank it up.
  • Anything by the Beach Boys. Obviously. In my expert opinion, you should always start your summer playlist with "Get Around." Do it, trust me. "Good Vibrations" and "Do It Again" are my other picks.
  • "Summer in the City"- the Lovin' Spoonful. Well, jeez, it's their NAME, you have to love them. Listen to these lyrics, that is some machine-gun fire rhyming. These guys are SO underrated.
  • "In the Summertime"- Mungo Jerry. You know it, you love it. Although, I gotta say the line "if her daddy's rich take her out for a meal/if her daddy's poor just do what you feel" is a ripe, juicy target for a class and gender crit. Yes, I do, in fact, write imaginary papers in my head. Shut up.
  • "Summertime"-Janis Joplin (with Big Brother and the Holding Company). A slower song to take it down a notch. This is hands-down the best rendition of this song ever in the history of everything. Don't try to get all cute with me listing your "street-cred" blues singers who also sang it, you're not going to win this argument.
  • "Do Wah Diddy Diddy"-Manfred Mann. This song reminds me of swim team when the coach used to make us sing it in rounds like a military chant. Yes, I was on the swim team as a kid. If this is screwing up your notions of what sort of child I was, keep in mind, swimming is not actually a cooperative team sport.
  • "Paint It Black"- the Rolling Stones. It's Barbara Pool approved.
  • "Pleasant Valley Sunday"-the Monkees. Not necessarily a classic for the ages, but for some reason this is the song that runs in my head when I think back on sneaking into the neighbors' yards to run around in their sprinklers. And by "sneak" I mean as TOTALLY OBVIOUS as only a shrieking five-year-old in a swimsuit running around in your front yard in broad daylight can be.
  • "Come On Down To My Boat" - Every Mother's Son. Another kind of silly one. Reminds me of Bahama Mama slushpuppies and pool water up my nose.
  • "Time of the Season"- the Zombies. Ok, seriously, if some dude came up to me and asked me who my dad was and if he's rich or not that guy would be spitting teeth. Nonetheless, the Zombies are one underrated British Invasion band.

notable exceptions:

  • "Under The Boardwalk "- The Drifters. Yeah, I get it, it's about the beach. Beach =summer. It's also about people screwing under the boardwalk. GROSS.
  • "California Dreamin'"- the Mamas and the Papas. It's about WINTER.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Facebook Horoscope


Horoscope for 8/20/2008
Your romantic side may be engaged -- or some idea or project may have captured your heart! One way or another, you're giving your all to a person, place or thing and it feels fantastic!



Um, actually no. None of the above.

As far as ideas and projects, the line is sort in limbo as I decide if I want to want to launch in Fall 09 instead. Still exciting, but also just generally chugging along at a reasonable pace.

As for the former, funny you should ask, oh, Facebook. As it happens, everyone else seems to think this also. There are at least four good stories I could tell to this effect, but it would be arduously meta in a "you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you" kind of way.

This blog isn't about you, by the way.
Or you.

Anyway, I'm on an unusually even keel these days now that the frenzy of moving has subsided and I have yet to craft a routine. Reading Sandman all weekend surely isn't helping. It makes me dreamy and pensive which doesn't suit me. Although, on the plus side, I dress more gothically which does suit me.
I continue to adore San Francisco. Which is related because, while living in perpetual October would certainly be exquisite, it would probably have the same effect on me.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Tormenting Walt

Dear readers, forgive me. I have been remiss. There has indeed been tormenting of Walt, but I haven't documented it.
But things have changed. I have be the victim of a ruthless bait and switch involving Tom Petty tickets. In retaliation, I give you the following e-correspondence. Admittedly, it is rather out of context, but don't let that stop you from pointing and laughing.




Walt Williams said that you two are engaged
From: Facebook (
confirm+5b4ngx4r@facebookmail.com)
Add contact
Sent:Tue 7/15/08 1:41 AM
Reply-to:noreply (noreply@facebookmail.com)
To: Leesie Pool

____________________________________________________________________

Walt said on Facebook that you two are engaged. We need you to confirm that you are, in fact, engaged to Walt.

To confirm this relationship request, follow the link below:
http://www.facebook.com/n/?home.php

Thanks,
The Facebook Team

___
Want to control which emails you receive from Facebook? Go to:http://www.facebook.com/editaccount.php?notifications&md=cmVsYXRpb25zaGlwX3JlcTtmcm9tPTkyMDMwNDE7dG89MzAwMjk2Mg==

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Nostalgia

Me: Mom, do you like my hair color? It's almost like my natural hair color!
Mom: I don't remember what your natural hair color looks like.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Extracurricular activities

Now that I have acquired a change of scenery and a copious amount of time with my parents that needs to be reallocated, I have comprised a checklist of things I want to accomplish. If anyone can help/wants in on these activities, you know where to find me!


-Execute a perfect handstand, "scorpion" pose, and flip flop.
-Go to more gallery openings and museums.
-use up all my henna paste. (Any volunteers? I'm good, I swear.)
-go to more local rock shows. (Toadies, Aug 22, dudes).
-learn to swallow swords.
-learn Latin.
-work on my front splits and try for a horizontal over-split.
-tryout for the Dallas roller derby (flat track OR banked).
-plant an herb garden. And not kill it.
-re-memorize the beginning of Beowulf.
-practice spinning poi.
-find bands/events that will let me make snazzy psychedelic posters for them (pro bono even).
-have a garage sale and get rid of all my old clothes and books.
-practice vertical pole inverts and tricks.
-audition as a performer or character at Scarborough Faire.
-celebrate pagan holidays in a bigger way.
-find some tribal dance gigs at clubs/bars.
-find some fire eating gigs at clubs/bars.
-find some go-go gigs at clubs/bars.
-maybe find a tribal dance teaching gig (adults or kids).
-learn to ride a motorcycle.
-visit places featured in Weird Texas.
-re-learn to play bass

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Jesus Hell, the Sixties were awesome

the follwing contains excessive use of the word "awesome"


So, I am continually compiling a sixties playlist. It reminds me of driving around in the summer time with my mom, plus, fucking duh, the sixties were the most badass moment in music ever. This quest for the perfect, all-inclusive playlist usually starts with me downloading one specific song by an artist, then going back and looking for other titles by said artist. That always ends with me finding about six TOTAL JOY INDUCING awesome hits and exclaiming with glee, "JESUS HELL, THE SIXTIES WERE AWESOME."

Seriously, how did so many bands write so many ridiculously spectacular songs?! For bands whose songs are in every movie, commercial, etc, why are people not as obsessed with them I am?! Get with the program!!! Fuck Hendrix or the Beatles or whoever it is you're name dropping all the time.

First off, let's talk about Three Dog Night. TELL ME you don't squeal with delight when you hear "Jeremiah was a bullfrog..." being belted out of your radio. Or
"One (is the loneliest number)". That piano lick is classic! Or "Mama Told Me not to Come"? Words of wisdom if I ever heard them. Go download "Shambala" and "Never Been to Spain." If they don't ring a bell you'll know them when you hear them. Any one of these songs would've singlehandledly been a feat of rock genius, all of them together is enough awesome to last me forever.

The Turtles. "Happy Together" is probably the standout hit for my generation thanks to a way overplayed Golden Grahams commercial in the 80's, but my favorites are their slower, vaguely creepy hits like "Elenore" and "You Showed Me" which feature some pretty sweet experimental synths and rather strange harmonies. "Elenore" in particular has some of the kookiest lyrics ever like the exuberant chorus, "Gee, I think you're swell, you're my pride and joy, et cetera." Dude, anyone who can write the nerdtastic words gee, swell, and et cetera into a cool song is a musical force to be reckoned with. Not to mention the rhyming poetry of the lines "your looks intoxicate me/ even though your folks hate me" and "they'll turn the lights way down low/ maybe we won't watch the show!" LOVE IT.

Tommy James and the Shondells. These guys wrote "Crimson and Clover," which just so happens to be, in my expert opinion, one of the most awesomely arcane psychedelic songs ever. It would be totally possible for me to listen to that song on repeat forever and still love it. Not only that, they also wrote the audaciously catchy "Moni Moni" which even people raised by wolves have heard and the restrained groove "Crystal Blue Persuasion." I also adore "Sweet Cherry Wine" but my very favorite is the garage-y "Hanky Panky." But then, I love anything that sounds cute and filthy. I missed my calling as their go-go dancer.

The Four Tops. If you think you are too cool to drive around belting out your mom's Motown, you suck at life and should quit. The Four Tops pretty much wrote every awesome song that isn't by the Temps. "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)" is so catchy it makes my teeth hurt. So is the fabulous "Same Old Song" and the bitchin', motivational "I'll Be the There." I know you sing the back up parts and drum on your steering wheel, don't lie to me. Plus, they get major credit for taking on the daunting task of writing a song about a girl named Bernadette. It gets pretty philosophical too, "While I live only to hold you/ some other men they long to control you/ but how can they control you, Bernadette/ when they cannot control themselves, Bernadette/ from wanting you, needing you?" Wow, if someone wrote me a song like that, it might almost make up for my name being Bernadette.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

scamtastic

I just got the following text:

fr: UNKNOWN

Hey, I got your number from a friend of mine, but I bet you can't guess who I am! My username's cute_tease, if you wanna come see if you recognize me online at cute_tease.match-pit.org. Well, hope to see you soon!

12:35PM Tues, Jun10



Seriously, I don't know anyone who uses the word "wanna." Sadly, that IS was the first thing that came to mind. To be fair, however, I was impressed by the comma after "hey." I'm also pretty confident that no dudes I know, nor any I would like to know, would call themselves a "cute tease."
Spammers, you need to take it up a notch.

Friday, June 6, 2008

thoughts on Iron Man

I can wholeheartedly say that Iron Man was all the awesomeness I hoped for and more.
My only criticism was that they didn't rock Black Sabbath the whole time. In fact, I think they really could've taken all the music up to eleven. Other than that, however, the smartassedness was delicious and that has got to be the finest damn goatee I have ever spied. The Marvel inside jokes were also pretty great (although the "blue and gold spandex" line in Xmen was probably the best) especially the S.H.I.E.L.D. gag which so perfectly set up the bonus clip with Samuel L Jackson as Nick Fury. I was actually so excited I sat up in my front row seat and shrieked, "Nick Fury is black?!?!? AWE-SOME!!!!" I've never been this excited by anything relating to the Avengers.
Wow. I am such I nerd.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Less of a Bad Thing

Months ago I compiled a top 10 list of things not to tell anyone you've just met.

Over the past week in Turkey I met lots of people I didn't know. Let's see how I did:

1. Anything involving Old English, Middle English or the recitation of texts in either language.
2. The sentence "I am in a circus."
3. The word "exsanguinate."
4. My first high school "boyfriend" impregnated a midget.
5. I have an oral fixation.
6. And no gag reflex.
7. I received a Colt semi automatic for my 18th birthday.
8. I worked at Rick's Cabaret for three months.
9. My rock show go-go dancing debut was at a Lords of Acid show at a slightly underage 17 years old. The encore was "Spank My Booty." Guess what happened.
10. I participated in the barrel racing event at the rodeo.


At first glance, this would seem to be quite a success. In reality, however, it turns out my original list was missing a few items including:
  • I eat fire.
  • I can pole dance. ( And have done so recently. In public.)
  • I am proficient in several styles of Middle Eastern dance.
  • Unsolicited tirades detailing the inferiority of states that were never independent republics.

Honestly though, I still can't quite figure out how I manage to start speaking Middle English and people continue standing there listening to it. Enablers! All of you!

Saturday, May 10, 2008

More Fire

"Hey, look! This is way cooler than what's going on inside the club!"

Burning on the sidewalk. Stopped traffic. No arrests.

Watch for the fire grab at :40 and the "dragon's breath" at 2:00.


More fire, pole, and dance on Facebook.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Mission Accomplished

Me: Hey, mom. Did you see my video?
Mom: Yes. Jesus!
Me: Did you like it?
Mom: No!!! God, I mean, jeez, well... This is your Bub's fault for always letting you light the candles at Thanksgiving! Here's your dad.
Me: Hey, Daddy. Did you see my video?
Daddy: Yeah. My one question is: is it hotter than Tabasco?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Absinthe. Fire. the Usual.

So the absinthe party was another success.

The offerings included:
  • Willy Bouvete (Swiss)
  • Kubler(Swiss)
  • Tunel Black Absinthe (Spanish)
  • Alandia Gold 68 (German)
  • Absinthe Neuzeller (German)
  • red velvet cupcakes with fresh berries
  • gaucamole and creamy jalapeno salsa
  • catfish pate

As mentioned before, Willy Bouvete is a le bleue and my personal favorite. I bought Kubler here (in the US) the day of the party and was pleasantly surprised. It is made in the Val-de-Travere like many other fine Swiss absinthes and was very smooth and had an excellent louche. I'm not sure how it is legal here unless the laws have changed since last year. The other "absinthes" available in the US are still a big thumbs down. Absente has no wormwood in case you were keeping score and Lucid which used some distilling loophole to reextract the wormwood out to legal levels is not technically legit AND it's not that great. A third I've been seeing around is Tournament which I haven't tried. Again, I'm not sure what trick they're using to import it. Anyway, moral of the story is that Kubler is pretty swell if you want to buy Absinthe stateside although I'll have to get back to you on the actual wormwood content and distillation process.

Guests followed the usual pattern of starting with my recommendation of milder, more authentic Swiss le bleues, moving on to the extra wormwoody and thusly VERY bitter Alandia, and put the nail in the coffin with the knock-you-on-your-ass Black Absinthe. I have to say, although it is unreasonably alcoholic and gimmicky with the black (I'm goth, ok?), the Black Absinthe is pretty good if you're not devoted to authenticity. Or if you ARE devoted to getting blitzed. The coloring is natural and the stuff actually louches a murky blue. Always a crowd pleaser. Unless you're Eric. Then you end the evening vomiting and yelling, "Witch! Poison-witch! You poisoned me!" I should add that I think he was already sick before he started drinking. No ears were excised (van Gogh joke).

Last but not least, I had the brilliant idea to light shit on fire INDOORS and put in in my mouth. This was also a crowd pleaser. No fire alarms were alarmed, no flammable objects caught fire, and my apartment did not burn down. Yay, me.

Here is video of me dicking around for the camera. I believe my exact words were, "We have to make a video so I can send it to my parents and scare them!"

Friday, April 11, 2008

Daily horoscope

Horoscope for 4/11/2008
You need to recharge your emotional batteries at home -- maybe even going back to the place where you grew up. Once you've reconnected with whatever feels real, you should feel great.


Pfft. Done and done.
I just spent 3 hours sleeping fully clothed on my parents' bed this afternoon.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!

http://news.aol.com/entertainment/music/music-news-story/ar/_a/dr-pepper-urges-axl-to-drop-democracy/20080326072009990001


Dr.Pepper has vowed to give every American (notably excluding Slash ans Buckethead) a FREE CAN of delicious Dr. Pepper if Axl releases the long awaited Guns n Roses album "Chinese Democracy."
No, I am totally not making this up.

Dr.Pepper really is the awesome.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Advice

My mom is full of good advice today:

-"Non illegatamus descendre." Latin, don't let the bastards get you down.

-"Don't eat too much fire." Re: the fire-eating workshop I'm attending this weekend.
Tres exciting.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

until you could taste heaven perfectly

To avoid a embarrassing effusion on the subject, I was simply going to post Tori Amos' "Sorta Fairytale" in its entirety which I think roughly sums it up. It turns out I have already referred to the song twice in this blaaag, which is worth noting.

Now, unlike my mother, who claims Mick Jagger sends her signals throught the radio, I am not quite so superstitious about musical signs, but "Sorta Fairytale" has be something of a running soundtrack for the past three months. It just keeps popping up. If you're not enough of a know-it-all like me to google it now, I will give you the brief biography of the song.

Tori Amos' own description of the story goes like this: The protagonist Scarlet meets guy, immediately and deeply believes him to be her soulmate ("and I knew then, it would be a lifelong thing, but I didn't think we could break a silver lining"), they take off on the epic American West road trip, and somewhere along the line discover their insurmountable differences and end up going their own ways. The serendipitous meeting and the subsequent falling out make the tale an incomplete love story, or sorta fairytale.


Once I'm sure of something I am awfully hard to dissuade and once I've decided someone is great I'll go kicking and screaming all the way before I admit I was mistaken. I fight hard to keep my promises, and I made a big one. So it is with the deepest disillusionment with my own powers of persuasion and whatever cosmic forces who govern such things that I quit.



and i'm so sad
a sorta fairytale with you

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Sweet, sweet Dewey




Today was quite possibly the most awesome afternoon ever. Equipped with a stamper, ink pad, and adhesive labels I tagged ALL of my nonfiction. It was glorious. Putting my books in Dewey was everything I could've have hoped for and more.

Things I learned organizing my nf:

  1. Stamping ANYTHING is mind-meltingly satisfying.
  2. I have many more books about way more topics than I remembered.
  3. I have only one book in the 500's and only one in the 900's. This needs to be rectified. Immediately.
  4. I have more reference books about graphic design and fashion design than the Richardson Public Library.
  5. Defying all laws of physics, I now have a good shelf's worth of extra space WITH THE SAME AMOUNT OF BOOKS. Praise be to the all-powerful Dewey Decimal System!!!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Project Runway

Even since the inception of the show, particularly due to its affiliation with Parsons, I get asked what I think of the show, or worse, why I don't try out for it.

Well, I stumbled across a fabulously vitriolic summary of all the things wrong with the show written by a whipsmart patternmaker that hit every single point with finesse so I advise you to look there.
http://www.fashion-incubator.com/mt/archives/vivisection_project_runway.html

My personal short list, however, goes something like this:
1. Nobody on that show (or any other competitive design show) has gone onto a successful career because of the show. Admittedly, there are several contestants who have respectably small business, but these people ALREADY had those businesses. I have NEVER seen mainstream coverage of any of the former contestants after the show by any reputable fashion publication (and I read almost all of them). Every editor on the planet thinks these people are a joke.
2. The show makes life difficult for people who actually ATTEND Parsons. For example, I couldn't pick up my final project the first week of summer because they were filming. Ex-fucking-scuse me? I PAY MONEY to use that building. Secondly, fashion design is already the most popular major at Parsons with over 50% of freshmen choosing to enter the fashion program their sophomore year. As a result, the classes are overcrowded, there is a shortage of machines and mannequins, and there are few if any sewing rooms or computer rooms available for independent work. Due to the publicity from the show, Parsons now must employ an even more rigorous "weeding out" policy. My senior class ended up being a handful over 100 students, we stated out with 235. Over half the class failed or dropped out. In addition to the unfortunate kids who had unrealistic expectations of the nature of the program and their own abilities, this policy is also detrimental to qualified students who are forced to endure three years of scare tactics rather than real instruction.
3. The challenges on the show are totally unrealistic and the contestants were cast for their television appeal. If you are surprised to learn that the finalists are chosen because of their entertainment value, I don't know what to do with you.
There are many legitimate scholarships and contests in the US that do, in fact, acknowledge independent designers based largely on merit ( and only a little politics).
4. Any kind of show purporting to "make" someone in such a limited amount of time insults the commitment made by real people in the industry. There are very few Cinderella stories in any industry and fashion is included. Even the superstars that rose to fame seemingly quickly worked their asses of for years, even decades, before becoming household names. Furthermore, most of the people who are on top of successful businesses are people of whom you've never heard.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Oh Noes!!!

http://www.boston.com/business/technology/articles/2008/02/08/polaroid_shutting_2_mass_facilities_laying_off_150/

Poloroid has stopped making instant cameras and film!!
I was JUST digging around for my poloroid yesterday thinking how I need some more film.
Woe is me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

What's new

Hmm, so what have I been up to these days?
I auditioned cold for Desert Sin and got called back among six other girls which was unbelievable. Didn't get the gig, but given that when ask "So, what are we about to see?" my response was "Uh, whatever I make up right now," I'd say it was a rather impressive outing.
In other dance news, still rehearsing regularly with Suzanne for Diablerie. A performance is in order soon, I swear.
Performances are good because I will soon be in possession of some fierce fire-eating skills and swirly poi spinning abilities.
Other than that it's been bitterly cold. Perhaps it was not the best time to buy all those $1 cacti from Ikea.
I've also been contemplating ways to get more space in my studio. Although the top choice was to ditch my BED, I've elected to stick the couch in the kitchen and put more desk space in the 'living room.' A genius compromise.
Oh and lastly, but not leastly, the reason for the writing surface increase is the full time pursuit of launching my fashion line which is, in some ways a much, much bigger deal than it sounds and in others really rather routine and ordinary. This month is the branding, legal and business phase. Next month is the "nerve-wracking finding competent yet affordable production people" phase. That means full range of samples by May, sales appointments by Sept, and things one may buy in places of retail by this time next year. Notice how the actual "designing of said clothings" does not even constitute a phase.
Le Sigh.
I will be all along the Gulf the first week of March (Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Alabama) which should do me some good. Too much boy drama and hard work and tiny apartment are making me homesick.

from Sarge


Sunday, February 3, 2008

Sylvia

"




out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.





"

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Daily Horoscope

Horoscope for 1/30/2008
You aren't totally comfortable with the way things are going right now, thanks in large part to the weird emotional energy that is suffusing your surroundings. The good news is it won't last very long.



WTF?! Did you and Tarot have a meeting or is it just that obvious?
"Weird emotional energy"? I suppose that is one way to put it.
Hmm, is that last line hopeful or ominous?

Delicious, just delicious. You divination tools are just an effing bowl of cherries, you know that?

Daily Tarot


Temperance
Like the Justice card, Temperance represents balance and harmony in your life. It signifies the need to find common ground in current situations and to bring opposing sides together. It is time to find a happy median between what you want in life and what you really need. By avoiding confrontation, you can give yourself the opportunity to thrive in a healthy environment free of negative influences.


Oh, don't tell me, sweetheart. I'll fucking tell you.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Monday, January 21, 2008

...for me to take your word, I had to steal it

"
and i was talking to you
and i knew then it would be a life long thing
but i didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining

and I'm so sad
like a good book
I can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale with you


i don't know what takes hold
out there in the desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us
"

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Dewey

Um, how long do you suppose it would take to assign Dewey decimal numbers to all my nonfiction books, make stickers for the spines, then arrange the books accordingly?
I have 164, last count. I worry the fictions will feel left out, but they can just go alphabetical by author.

I feel that in the short term this might be (dare i say it?!?!) a waste of time, but I feel that ultimately it will be character building and gloriously efficient later.






related conversation:
Mom: "Oh no, I can't believe you're remodelling the library! My daughter will feel like a part of her childhood has been destroyed!"
Circulation Desk Lady: "Uh, ma'am, not many people spend quite as much at the library as your daughter."

More Ink

Fake Frank Miller hotties.

(Post Dark Knight, more Sin City, obvi. Although less boobages.)

Turns out upping the threashold and inverting the color makes anything look cool.



Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I draw things.

Things made of ink. And a leetle photoshop.






Thursday, January 10, 2008

Convos of the Week

This week, memorable things said to me just need a little bit more context, so I present conversations of the week:

Me (via text): flutter flutter flying foxy
Eric:(via text): ??huh?
Me(via text): haha. experiment failed. :-P
Eric:(via text): what?
Me(via text): I literally just said, "I'm going to send Eric a nonsensical txt and see what he does."
Eric(via text): Are you drunk?
Me(via text): No, I'm not drunk.
Eric(via text): Wanna call my house? I'll have phone sex with you.

Obviously, the funniest thing about this is the last line. I'm not sure he is kidding.


wrong number (via text): I heard u got robbed last night and the robber gave u 2 choices, give him ur cell fone r suck his dick well i c u still got ur phone! lol
Me(via text): Hey, retard, stop texting me.
wrong number (via text): Dang thats wuz up
Me(via text): No, seriously. Shut the fuck up. Wrong number.
wrong number (via text):Ok u better chill real talk
wrong number (via text):Who is this?
Me(via text): Not anyone you know. All my friends know how to spell.
wrong number (via text):Bye

Wow, I don't even know where to begin. Let's just agree to leave the spelling alone, but jesus fuck, what the hell does "dang thats wuz up" or "chill real talk" MEAN?? Perhaps there is an exceedingly dexterous simian on the loose that has purloined someones cell phone. And is only semi-fluent in American vernacular. Oh, and who also has "i lUv LKe HoNeY" as its automatic signature. Le sigh. I especially love the "bye" despite embarrassingly mistaken identity, cussing, and our respective irritation and humiliation.


Eric's Mom, upon seeing the Dresden Doll picture below: That is NOT the girl for you.

Great. Just great. Eric's mom thinks I am an internet skank. And my boyfriend apparently has no "appropriate for parents" filter in his brain.
Oh, Y chromosome, You fail us all once again.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Tormenting Walt

From: leesie
To: walt
Subject: AHAHAHHAHA
Date: Sat, 5 Jan 2008 00:23:00 -0500

for you.


as you are the only pug person i know.

http://ihasahotdog.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/inotzmakefe128407488299346250.jpg
_________________________________________

From: walt
To: leesie

Subject:RE: AHAHAHHAHA
Sat 5 Jan 2008 1:13 AM

Damn you, woman for making go "ahhhhhhhhh" in front of my roommate. Completely killed that whole moody bastard illusion I work so hard to maintain.

Friday, January 4, 2008