Bedside manner

earlier today:
mom: Since you're sick, I will bring you home some soup from Central Market!
me: Thanks! *wheezes*

later today:
me: Mom, why does my soup have the label torn off?
mom: Well, it had chicken broth listed on the ingredients and I didn't want you to see it and get mad!
me: What!? You're a bag of dicks! Eh, fuck it. I'll eat it.

moments later:
me: *wheeze*What the fucking hell!!?! This has BACON in it! *kakak* You're a fucking jerk!! I'm sick and you're feeding me bacon!?!?!

later later:
mom: Ok, I'm at the pharmacy. Do you want NyQuil cold and flu or NyQuil cough? The flu one has antihistamines and the cough one has cough suppressant.
me: Whichever one doesn't have BACON IN IT!!!!!! *hack*
mom: *click*

Nonchalance

me: Eh, you're pretty cute... I'd hit it.
him: What? That's not how it works, I'd be the one hitting it.
me: Ok, well, I might let you hit it.
him: No, uh, I'd let you get it hit by me.