One From the Vaults

Found this little piece of nonsense, written in college. Not even sure who it was about.


You casually asked me what I had seen in you.
It was well-timed for a loaded question.
You lay on your back and I lay on you with my head on your shoulder
and we were both languid, but awake.
I was thinking about how soft your skin was
and hoping that you would think about how my brown eyes are deep and dangerous like foreign coffee: hot enough to burn to tongue with a fierce kick at the finish.
You said it with the same cool curiosity as if you had asked me “heads or tails?” and deftly flicked a quarter off your thumb without looking.
I heard the sentence swell and subside like a warm wave of ocean
curled around the edges with foamy self-consciouness,
building itself up with genuine curiosity,
and finally hissing back down into the fine sand with the satisfaction of getting the whole question out just right.
I know it must've taken you four or five tries in your head.
I heard the very effort you were trying to conceal, I heard the shyness, and loudest of all I heard you grappling with the awkwardness, a dune between us.
So I squinted and did my best Bette Davis
and gave you a flippant answer.

More Internet Dating Missives

As promised! No introduction necessary, just, "EW, GROSS."



Greetings
Your human sex appeal has my Vulcan hulkin'. Thought you would appreciate that.

Um, besides that being GROSS, I'm team Star Wars, dipshit. Jeez.



(no subject)
lets meet and skeet.

As you might've guessed the author of this dainty piece of poetry has a profile pic involving his Guido self posing in the bathroom with his camera phone in front of his face whilst pulling his shirt up with his free hand.



(no subject)
i read the other day in the Times that if we fucked each other 2012 would never happen... also everyone on jersey shore would be murdered.
so i mean i'm down with helping the greater good of humanity if you are

I'm going to assume that mean that he meant the 2012 Mesoamerican end of the world would be averted, not simply that time would stop. And... wow...ok...it's just not even worth analyzing, is it?

Oh Hello, There

I've been neglecting the blag since I have an utter dearth of boy drama and that's mostly what Y-chromosome-free like to blag. Which is great for me, boring for the Internet. Instead of blocking calls, berating suitors, and so forth I spend a lot of time making platypus faces at my fiance. Yeah, THAT F word. It's real over here, son.



But never fear, blagoweb, I stole an idea from my bestie Meg and will now unleash years worth of really bad internet dating missives that are very old, but so very outrageous I saved them for this moment.



Behold!

I'm skipping the myriad of "hey, hi, let's chat." Let's try a sampling of pithy, but weird:

Wink

Anyone ever tell you kinda resemble Bjork and Sandra Bullock? Anyhow, just thought I'd say hi. ;)

Combined? Is that even a compliment?

Wow

you spend alot of time thinking! I do too and I think we would get along well.

Um. Wow. So your friends spend a lot of time... passed out? slamming their hands in doors? afflicted with a neurological disorder?

Eye of Newt

So what does one find in a witches fridge besides wool of bat and tongue of dog.

Apparently not apostrophes to denote possession.

Interesting match

I have to run into work and do some stuff, but send me a message when you get this and I'll reply when I can.

What is going on here? This guy is either totally unhinged or groping at brilliance. Is he trying to gaslight me into think I know him, or somehow am forgetting the step when he INTRODUCED himself and started the conversation? Does he not differentiate between written, spoken, and text messaging forms of social interaction? Maybe he doesn't even differentiate units of time like present and future which prevents him from understanding that he can write ME a complete message when he gets done with work, later.

(no subject)

oh no you're one of THOSE types of girls lol

Oh, no. You're one of those types of boys who can only get people's attention by trying to goad them into being annoyed by your vague insults which you will promptly admit were merely a "conversation starter."

Stay tuned for some from the "Ewww, gross!" category and "holy crap, do you not know how to read?"

Living Room

So the living room actually has the bed in it and the office stuff is in the "actual" bedroom, if that makes sense.

reading nook: orange kilim from Istanbul, framed holographic poster
makeshift bench from coffee table and cushions

framed art

bed

one of the few times the bed is actually made

More Apartment

kitchen, entryway, Devotchka poster
Office

cutting table, chalkboard wall

formerly white bistro set painted gunmetal

more patio

The fake Chinese Wedding bed

This was by far the most epic undertaking. I wanted one of these:

But they are very, very expensive. Like $10,000 expensive.

So, I got at $199 dressing screen:
Then I unscrewed all the four panels and sawed two of them in half. Meanwhile, I bought the cheapest, plainest bedframe in the world for $70 and painted that with a cherry-colored wood varnish to match the screens. After that I had to nail, screw, and glue the panels into place. I also got some cheapie wood trim at Home Depot for the cross beams and varnished those as well.

Added some curtains from World Market for $36.

Total cost: $300 which is, oh, about $9,700 less than $10,000.

Barstools

After the success of the chair upholstery I tried an even easier project: bar stools. I bought the cheapest four bar stools at Ikea, which happen to just be a black, flat, uncushioned wood slab on top. I free handed some slightly larger foam pads and covers from a scrap of purple houndstooth fabric and hot glued those suckers on for all eternity. Very matchy with the paint and runner.

hawt.snip.ta-da!

Blaggity Blag Blag

Why, Helloooo! I almost forgot I had a blog for a minute, there.

In the spirit of rekindling let's revisit my to-do list posted Wednesday, August 6, 2008.

-Execute a perfect handstand, "scorpion" pose, and flip flop.
I've been working on this and can do a scorpion against a wall. So, not perfect, but working on it.
-Go to more gallery openings and museums.
I haven't been to many museums although I did have a painting of mine in a gallery and it was auctioned off in February, so that's pretty cool when you describe it like that. I also just got season tickets to the Dallas Opera so there's a healthy dose of culture.
-use up all my henna paste. (Any volunteers? I'm good, I swear.)
Forgot about that one. Just didn't seen that urgent I guess.
-go to more local rock shows.
I'm been to a fair share, although a large portion of them have been my boyfriend's.
-learn to swallow swords.
Gaaah!! Not yet! Soon, my yucca plants. Soooooooon.
-learn Latin.
I got side tracked by astronomy and math nonfiction from the library. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would be reading about abstract math theory for fun I would have probably choked laughing incredulously.
-work on my front splits and try for a horizontal over-split.
As with the handstands, I am in a perpetual state of working on it. When I can get myself into a contort-ier position than my current facebook profile pic, I will replace it.
-tryout for the Dallas roller derby.
Wow, if you didn't know that I succeeded in this you have not talked to me in over a year. Derby has taken over my life.
-plant an herb garden. And not kill it.
I did! I did! Memorable garden goodies: lavender and sage vodkas, basil bread, mint mojitos.
-re-memorize the beginning of Beowulf.
Enough to weird people out which was pretty much the point.
-practice spinning poi.
I bought fire fans and perfected that instead. Hula hooping too.
-find bands/events that will let me make snazzy psychedelic posters for them.
Not psychedelic, but I did some art and plan on doing some more art for the SO's band.
-have a garage sale and get rid of all my old clothes and books.
Made $112 at Half Price Books. Next stop, Buffalo Exchange.
-practice vertical pole inverts and tricks.
Oh yes. Lots and lots. Made lots of new friend and embarrassed my old ones in doing so.
-audition as a performer or character at Scarborough Faire.
Meh. Fuck that. I was a performer at Six Flags Frightfest which is... not at all the same.
-celebrate pagan holidays in a bigger way.
Check! Go me!
-find some tribal dance gigs at clubs/bars.
I've had about seven since I posed the list, not including the month long gig at Six Flags.
-find some fire eating gigs at clubs/bars.
Same as above. I've made about $1000 this year putting flaming thing on my face. What a wonderful world we live in.
-find some go-go gigs at clubs/bars.
I'll continue my tried and true strategy of letting people offer me gigs instead of looking for them. Works better for everyone involved and insures the fun doesn't get sucked out of it.
-maybe find a tribal dance teaching gig (adults or kids).
Still working on it. I'm thinking after the Xmas break I might offer an intro Tribal Fusion.
-learn to ride a motorcycle.
I have a brand new Mustang so I'm pretty satisfied with getting around in that.
-visit places featured in Weird Texas.
God damn. I haven't been anywhere lately.
-re-learn to play bass
I've resigned myself to the sad truth that I am not a musical person.

Upholstry 101

I haven't had much time for anything else except moving and decorating and here is one of the reasons why. I bought a set of accent chairs on the cheap at Home Goods. The shape was fabulous, but the color and fabric... not so much. In my typical manner, I got it into my head that the apartment was going to have a Victorian circus-meets-industrial loft scheme which sounds cool but actually requires DIY-ing almost everything.


First off, I taped off the upholstery with saran wrap and painters' tape so I could spray paint away the nauseatingly ordinarily wood stain. I chose high-gloss cobalt paint kind of at random. I'm not even a big fan of blue, but it just felt right.

Success! Very shiny and much improved with minimal spray paint on things that were not meant to be painted. Of course, now I was forced to pick a fabric to cover up the awful sage and beige chenille that worked with the blue I had so hastily chosen. I wanted something jewel-toned in a luxe or exotic fabric that didn't quite match the cobalt so the overall effect would be more eccentric and carnival-esque.

I finally found a baby blanket remnant at Joann's that was a really furry, soft thermal poly. Not quite the velvet I had originally envisioned, but close enough and even weirder! The fat stripes sold me.

I didn't even attempt to remove the stock upholstery. Instead, I cut out rough shapes and pinned them on the chair, taking care to center the stripes. That is probably a really bad way to do it unless you're really good at eyeballing pattern pieces. And you should probably measure your yardage needs before you go shopping. After that, I nailed the fabric in place with upholstery tacks and trimmed off the excess.

As a final touch, I hot-glued (surely a furniture no-no) braided trim over the raw edges of the striped thermal. It added a good final pop of mismatched color and made the whole thing look more pro.

The final product!

missed me, missed me

Oh, lord. What a two weeks.
I spent most of it hauling furniture, building furniture, arranging furniture, painting furniture, and otherwise decorating my parents' beach house. My parents are good at lots of things, but the aforementioned tasks are definitely not any of them.
When you're a teenager you lament that your parents are idiots, but at 27 I am little crestfallen that it might be true in some cases.

at Target
me: No! Absolutely not! You cannot have that! Put it down!
mom: why not?
me: Why not!! It's not what we're looking for! You already have one! It's too expensive! Put it down right now or we're leaving!!!!!!!

Remember about two decades ago when that conversation went the other way?

Anyway, it looks pretty great, everyone's invited, pictures to come, blah di blah.


Oh, also...I tweaked my MCL but according to a top North Dallas orthopedic surgeon it will heal on it's own. Neat.

Also, also... I've been doing some illustrating which is going fairly well and not making me want to David Carradine myself. Ooh...too soon with the asphyxiation jokes? Pictures of pictures to come hopefully.

Not too many deep thoughts on life and love today, but fret not, yucca plants, it's about to all boil over and I've saved you a front seat.
Cheerio!

solicited distractions

I desperately need to fall in love. With some music.
gotcha.

I have been pretty diligent in keeping myself occupied, but it is my nature to be overflowing with an ardent, insatiable 13-year-old's passion to pour enthusiam into things and it would probably be best if that thing were something intangible to worship. To keep my mind and tongue sharp I need to keep my throbbing heart furiously busy elsewhere. A devotion-worthy band is an outlet that hasn't let me down yet. It's so pure and clean and inexhaustible in its unrequitedness-- something I can't burn out. I think an object of intoxicating beauty that pulls my heart towards its cage of ribs so mercilessly that my brain hums and my stomach turns would help a lot of my problems.

I'm not even kidding

So, crazyinternetbitches.com is NOT taken.
I know, I totally could not believe it either! I use the phrase "crazy internet bitches" at least 10 times a day.

Ok, so, here's the deal, I think we can all agree this is the most awesome idea for an internet dating site ever. The beauty is the simplicity: who else populates dating sites BESIDES crazy internet bitches anyway? Exactly! It's cutting straight to the chase. And I know that all the dudes out there are really just looking for a crazy internet bitch. All the guys I know are ALWAYS dating crazy bitches. In fact, craziness and bitchiness are the two major qualities that will cause any dude to fall desperately in love with a girl. Try it, you'll see!
I can already think of DOZENS of people that should either be on this site or would want to date women on it.
Somebody, please get on this.

Druidess minx in a labcoat

So this interweb dating thing has a feature that suggests other members that have things in common with the one you are currently viewing. Sort of like, "if you like nerdygamerboy, try nerdygamerboy who goes outside sometimes!" Similar, but different.

Out of (narcissistic) curiosity I checked out what chicks are in my orbit. They are, in order: girls that are less sex-driven, less spiritual, less scientific, more old-fashioned, more old-fashioned, less kinky, and less sex-driven.

What algorithm are they using here? Are there seriously no sex-crazed internet skanks that are more kinky? I talk a big game, but I didn't actually think I was that raunchy. And there are no girls that are more spiritual? How is that possible? I mean, I guess I am pretty spiritual when I come to think of it, but superlatively spiritual? Also, scientific? I don't actually doubt this one, but I'm surprised that it is even a variable. Who is like, "I like so-and-so alright, but she'd be way better if she did/didn't know her way around the periodic table! Damn!"

Some DTR...

... for people who will probably not read this.

Hey, Crazies: You are out of your flipping mind. Please go fester in your special brand of craziness elsewhere. I'm not sure what about me made you think that I would be receptive to your various neuroses, but you, as you are about many things, are ever so wrong.

Dear Wayward Acquaintances: You seem to feel no urgency in returning my correspondences, nor I yours. Perhaps I overwhelm you a bit. Unfortunately, this assumption of mine makes me even less likely to try to contact you, in turn. I'm quite certain, however, that if we resumed our tentative friendship it would pick up where it left off and be rather pleasant. Stalemate.

Oh, Select Favorites: Despite our differences, I very much enjoy your company. For whatever reason you seem to accept or be amused by my spiky defects in return for my moments of affectionate camaraderie. I hope you persevere in this patient attitude because I am undergoing an uprecendented phase of soul-consuming predatory behavior via the internet on which you met me (see above). On that magical day when the dust settles, you may very well be the last man standing.

new title?!?

weirdo: blah blah something about cutting blah
me: Cutting? GOD. That's so 90's. It's totally the poor girl's eating disorder.
me: Hey...poorgirlseatingdisorder.com!!!! Do you think it's taken!?!?

best. blog title. ever.
And no, it's not taken.

Statistically, It's not looking so hot

20: Estimated number of cute, scruffy, brown-eyed boys in Dallas.
6: Number of cute, scruffy, brown-eyed boys in Dallas that I know personally.
3: Number of cute, scruffy, brown-eyed boys in Dallas that I know personally and are available and do not appear severely mentally unhinged.
0-1: Number of cute, scruffy, brown-eyed boys in Dallas that I know personally and are probably ACTUALLY not severely mentally unhinged as opposed to faking well-adjustedness.

bones and lionesses

I've been spending a lot of my recumbent recuperation time thinking about my bones.
Wait, that sounds kinds of morbid. Start over.

Ok, so I've been sick-- just a cold, calm down-- off and on for pushing a month now and in this span of time I've lost, like, ten pounds. I'm pretty neutral on this occurrence.


Anyway, my body was already changing before that. A year older, new ink, and refined derby and yoga muscles sneaking and settling into prime position.

Only now I can see and feel this new structure.

I am sometimes surprised at my own strength, literal and figurative, but there is an unusual satisfaction in being able to see and feel the mechanism behind it-- particularly since most of my sureness of identity stems from artifice and creativity: hair, gesture, tone, costume, gait, language. Things I can control.

A note about my physiology, I carry weight pretty evenly all over my body. This works out great when I gain weight. Instead of accumulating in awkward places, it settles across my face, elbows, knees, back. My skeleton has aways been carefully concealed by a light cocoon, pleasantly even and supple, but generally the important stuff is folded away out of sight and tactility.

Now my architecture is displayed like a skyscraper, defiantly rigid against a pale, temperate sky. Stark. Modern. All upward thrust, progress. Will over physics.


These new muscles, these old bones that were hidden from me.

There is a novel, thumb-sized hollow next to my kneecap when I bend my leg at an obtuse angle. There is a strange, taut tangle of muscle the size of my palm on the top of each thigh which was formerly an undifferentiated expanse of hamstring and epidermis. I have a delicate pair of knobs perched ladylike and ovoid like bird's eggs on my wrists.

The broad, heavy spread of my hip bones is strange and precious like the archaeologist's prized skull: a mysterious artifact of an ancient and fearsome creature. The curves are audacious in their sure, solid thickness and yawn wide enough to cradle a fist.

Rather than exposed, I feel unveiled like the Sphinx unfettered from centuries of sand.

keeping occupied

I am an outline.

just gesso.
******thick, opaque chalk.

the line, however, is exquisite. ****sinuous. decisive.

I will fill it in with wet, viscous daubs straight from the knife.
********************alizarin crimson cadmium scarlet vermilion
********** ****pure pigment like blood





So, I've been painting lately. And making hats. Perhaps some pictures to come.

What Would Scarlett Do?

In the Twelve Oaks barbeque of my life, I have just shattered a vase.
Isn't this supposed to be where Rhett pops up?



Scarlett: "Why don't you say it, you coward? You're afraid to marry me. You'd rather live with that silly old fool who can't open her mouth except to say 'yes, no' and raise a couple of brats just like her! "

A Prophecy Older Than You

-or a Witch's Curse



You had a valkyrie,
a shield maiden
a warrior, death's swan.
And she demurred to you,
rested her head on your lap,
and shed immortal's tears on your behalf.

She would have raised her spear
in defence of you,
but better, she summoned her ancient squall for you.
For love
of you.

Who may dream of such a creature?
touch her,
belong to her,
possess her, the battle goddess?

You will never again behold such a woman,
never revel in such a mind,
never bask in such intensity,
never delight in such ardor,

never be as fiercely loved by anything.